went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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