i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
