Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
