Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
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i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pants are for mortals
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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