Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
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Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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