I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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