well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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