i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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