i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
