i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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