Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
