I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
