The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
