dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
