Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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