Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
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they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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