I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
