Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
