Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
