Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
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I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
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he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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