WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
