I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
