This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
