The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
