I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
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It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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