my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
