I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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