in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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