Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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