six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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