PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Randomize
