There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times