if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day