6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
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Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
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As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.