i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
