First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
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He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
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I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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