dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
