Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
