She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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