why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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