the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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