I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
