new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You don't make any sense
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