im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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