If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
