I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
