girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
