Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
