Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
So vagazzling was a success
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
