Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
