I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
