I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
