Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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